Our brain learns early how much empathy is safe to offer
Empathy isn’t one single thing.
Psychologists describe three different types:
- Cognitive empathy — understanding another person’s perspective.
- Emotional empathy — feeling what someone else feels.
- Empathic concern — caring enough to take action.
Healthy relationships draw on all three, depending on the situation. But for many of us, these “empathy doors” don’t stay open.
Empathy isn’t something we’re born knowing how to manage
It develops in childhood, shaped by how safe it felt to tune into the emotions of the adults around us.
1. What empathy looks like in safe environments
In safe environments, children learn that it’s okay to notice and respond to the feelings of others.
- Parents’ emotions are mostly stable and predictable.
- When a child shows care or concern, it’s welcomed—not punished or ignored.
- The child learns to use all three forms of empathy:
- Cognitive empathy (understanding what someone else is feeling).
- Emotional empathy (feeling with them).
- Empathic concern (caring enough to act).
Over time, the child learns:
“I can connect with someone’s feelings and still be safe.”
(PMC)
2. What empathy looks like in unsafe environments
In environments where caregivers are emotionally unstable—angry, unpredictable, withdrawn, or overwhelmed—empathy becomes dangerous.
- Too much emotional empathy floods the child with feelings that don’t belong to them.
- Empathic concern feels useless or risky if helping only leads to rejection or more chaos.
- The child may lean heavily on cognitive empathy as a safer, more distant way to understand.
As a survival strategy, the brain quietly shuts down these empathy doors.
Instead of empathy leading to connection, it leads to fear and overload.
3. Why empathy feels different later in life
When empathy doors were forced shut in childhood:
- Some adults feel disconnected from their own emotions.
- Others can analyze feelings but struggle to feel them.
- Many find it hard to respond to pain with warmth, even when they want to.
This isn’t because they lack empathy.
It’s because their nervous system learned:
“Empathy is unsafe. It will overwhelm me or put me at risk.”
4. Why this matters
When someone struggles with empathy, it’s not always selfishness or indifference.
It may be a coping pattern left over from childhood.
Understanding this changes everything:
- Relief: “I’m not broken—my brain was protecting me.”
- Clarity: “I see why I overthink but don’t feel, or why I shut down around strong emotions.”
- Possibility: “I can reopen these doors slowly, in safe relationships.”
(PubMed)
5. What empathy can look like in adulthood
Empathy doesn’t need to be dramatic to be real.
It can sound like:
- “I can imagine how hard that must have felt.” (cognitive empathy)
- “Hearing this, I feel sad with you.” (emotional empathy)
- “I care about what you went through. What can I do to help?” (empathic concern)
Each step rebuilds the message:
“Empathy doesn’t endanger me. It can guide me back into connection.”
Side Note: Not just “the worst families”
Even in loving families, if parents avoid emotions or shut them down, children may still learn to limit empathy.
The difference is in degree: some grow up without empathy because of silence and avoidance, others because of fear and punishment.
In both cases, empathy can feel unnatural later in life. But it can be relearned.
Key takeaway: Our empathy depends on how safe it felt in childhood to open those doors. What shut down for survival can be opened again—but only in safety. (PubMed, PMC)
Want to learn more about the three types of empathy?