Two primal nervous system states keep us safe and to connect with our community
Two Ancient Core Instincts
Before we had language, thoughts, or beliefs—we had two main instincts:
→ Protect ourselves
→ Connect with others
These are the original drivers of emotional behavior, these are our primal nervous system states.
They came before morality.
Before identity.
Before even being human.
They are the foundation of how we survive.
To Protect ourselves & To Connect with others
To protect and defend ourselves, our nervous system enters a state where we become alert, our stress hormones rise, and our attention narrows toward possible threats. We will call this state:
Protect Mode
“Something’s not safe. I need to protect myself.”
It’s fast, reactive, and focused on control.
It can look like withdrawal, attack, blame, or hypervigilance.
- Your nervous system feels under threat
- Emotions move fast, and feel hard to hold
- You’re more likely to blame, withdraw, or control
- Your body is trying to protect you—even if there’s no real danger
To nurture and connect, our nervous system enters a state where our breathing slows, our heart softens, and we become available for closeness and care. We will call this state:
Connect Mode
“Connection is safety. I want to stay close.”
It’s slow, relational, and focused on care.
It allows us to co-regulate, repair, and be seen without fear.
- Your nervous system feels safe and connected
- You can pause, reflect, and be curious
- You’re more likely to listen, repair, and connect
- Your body isn’t just reacting—it’s relating
Both are built-in.
Both are necessary.
But they lead to very different kinds of behavior.
And modern life keeps pulling us into defense, even when no one is attacking us.
When We Understand These Two Instincts
We stop asking:
- “Why are they being so difficult?” — Because they are stuck in Protect Mode
- “Why am I like this?” — Because I am stuck in Protect Mode
And we start asking:
- “What part of them is trying to protect something?”
- “What part of me doesn’t feel safe?”
When you understand what mode you’re in, you can:
- Respond with more clarity
- Pause before harm escalates
- Recognize when others aren’t safe—not because they’re bad, but because they’re in survival
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