The 4-Mode Perception Shifts — How We See Ourselves and Others

Why actions look and feel different depending on the mode—and why abusers often don’t see their behavior as abuse

How each mode reshapes empathy, logic, and our sense of reality.

The same action does not always feel like the same action.

What looks like abuse from one mode can feel like self-protection, strategy, or even “normal” behavior in another.

These tables reveal the perception shift: how the meaning of an action changes depending on which mode the doer is in, and how it lands on those in other modes.

If you’re unsure what the Four Modes are or how they work, start here: What Are the Four Modes?

Table 1: Doer = Belonging Mode

(intention = repair, protect self, avoid harm — not malicious)

Action	Belonging (Doer)	Defense	Manipulation	Tyranny
Gaslighting	Misremembers / denies by accident, not to deceive	Thinks they misunderstood	Reads it as incompetence	Uses mistake as leverage
Withholding Affection	Pulls back due to stress, not rejection	Feels abandoned, blames self	Uses it against them later	Sees it as loss of authority
Guilt-Tripping	Expresses hurt clumsily	Feels guilty, self-blames	Reads it as weakness	Uses it to gain advantage
Blame-Shifting	Defends without intent to harm	Accepts fault even if innocent	Sees it as poor strategy	Uses it as proof of weakness

Table 2: Doer = Defense Mode

(intention = self-protection, unaware of relational harm)

Action	Belonging	Defense (Doer)	Manipulation	Tyranny
Gaslighting	Feels betrayed, confused	Confuses facts to protect self-image	Sees it as poor tactic	Uses it as leverage
Withholding Affection	Feels unsafe, unloved	Pulls away emotionally for self-protection	Uses it to justify manipulation	Sees it as weakness
Guilt-Tripping	Feels responsible, guilty	Uses guilt unconsciously to gain reassurance	Sees it as ineffective	Uses it as excuse to dominate
Blame-Shifting	Feels blamed unfairly	Projects blame to reduce shame	Reads it as defensive cover	Uses it as confirmation of inferiority

Table 3: Doer = Manipulation Mode

(intention = strategic control)

Action	Belonging	Defense	Manipulation (Doer)	Tyranny
Gaslighting	Shattered trust, disoriented	Thinks they misunderstood	Denies to distort reality	Approves as clever strategy
Withholding Affection	Feels unworthy, crushed	Believes they must earn closeness	Withholds to extract compliance	Normalizes as property right
Guilt-Tripping	Feels responsible, guilty	Self-blames: “I let them down”	Uses guilt as leverage	Sees it as useful control tactic
Blame-Shifting	Feels blamed, powerless	Accepts fault even if untrue	Shifts responsibility to avoid accountability	Endorses it as dominance strategy

Table 4: Doer = Tyranny Mode

(intention = domination, punishment)

Action	Belonging	Defense	Manipulation	Tyranny (Doer)
Gaslighting	Loses sense of reality	Doubts own memory	Sees it as clever domination	Enforces false reality as absolute truth
Withholding Affection	Feels broken, worthless	Strives to “earn” affection	Approves, imitates	Controls access to love / care
Guilt-Tripping	Feels crushed with shame	Tries harder to comply	Uses it as reinforcement tactic	Enforces guilt as punishment
Blame-Shifting	Feels invalidated, silenced	Accepts full blame	Sees it as effective manipulation	Never accountable — others always wrong

Final Reflections

Abuse does not look like abuse to the abuser.

Why is that?

Because when someone is causing pain, their empathy sensors are off—they cannot feel what others feel.

Their nervous system is in complete Defense Mode, and when that happens several things shift:

Their inner compass is malfunctioning. Even if they speak about having values, their ability to see what is right and what is wrong is impaired.
Their empathy sensors shut down. They no longer register the impact of their actions on others.
Their Logic Layer works overtime to make sense of their behavior—even if it doesn’t truly make sense. From the inside, it feels justified, because their system is still telling them they are “protecting” themselves.

This is why abuse so often hides in plain sight.

The person doing harm may not recognize it as harm—because their whole system has shifted to survival logic.

The Perception Shift Tables help us see this more clearly.

They are not here to condemn people as “good” or “bad,” but to map the emotional logic behind behavior.

Once we understand this shift, we can stop confusing abuse with protection—and begin choosing connection over control.

Understanding The 4-Mode System

The 4-Mode Gradient System — Main Page
The 4-Modes — Deep Understanding
The 4-Mode Escalation — How Reactions Build Over Time
The 4-Modes in the Body — Emotions & Signals
The 4-Mode Perception Shifts — How We See Ourselves and Others

TEG-Blue™ is a place for people who care-about dignity, about repair, about building something better. It’s a map, an invitation, and a growing toolbox, as an evolving commons—supporting emotional clarity, systemic healing, and collective wisdom. Here, healing doesn’t require perfection—just honesty, responsibility, and support.